What has dropped?
Needing to feel seen. Only through noticing it in others have I realised I may have successfully dropped it.
I read that one characteristic of childhood that is absent in a neglectful family is the child having themselves reflected back at them by the parents. The need to feel seen by neglectful or absent parents is a strong one, an irritating drive, one that I noticed separately with fatherly approval and motherly acceptance. Neither is present for me and never will be. I basically realised “I’m being a hungry ghost about this” and sorta decided / dropped the need for approval from a father figure. The motherly Knowing was harder to drop. But time with my family showed they oftentimes mean well (and often don’t!) but also, like most people, are simply baffled by me, and that is no fault of theirs or, importantly, mine.
It’s been a while / hard to realise people react badly to me through no fault of my own, and the follow-on realisation that I don’t need to be prickly in return about it. Developing metta has helped me to get enough love / equanimity to help someone through the process of being triggered by me, if they’re open to it. An option I never had before, and it makes my life somewhat smoother too. I definitely used to feel people didn’t “deserve” so much latitude given that they are being unreasonable. But I’ve had plenty of benefit from someone reaching beyond the anger when *I myself* have been prickly and unreasonable, and I see it is the only way out of the mess. Not only is love always the answer it’s often the only answer for the outcomes we want.
Dropping purpose / mission / destiny. Much more relaxing to just say no to the question. It’s a thought steeped in “what if…s” and strange received ideas like “living up to potential”. The quest to “find my purpose” has lead to so much pain and frustration that it truly is better to just drop the issue. It’s an urge to be fulfilled mixed with thoughts that are very vague If actually examined. I recently had the insight: if there’s no answer, then there’s no question.
Related, I noticed this thought: since I have all these educational achievements, abilities, skills and experience, the capitalist world must naturally want me. Headhunt me. Thank their lucky stars when I apply for their jobs. But no such natural conclusion exists in reality.
Dropping frustrating habits, particularly looking at empty buildings and falling in love with the “potential” of these spaces, when there is no practical way I can or would commit to an actual renovation of an actual building. Dropping the frustration that I normally point outward at “society” was a relief.
Dropping needing to live in London. Several prongs to this:
-The *thought* of living among the *potential* of creative people or new art/music scenes etc. But it’s only potential, giving a sense of excitement, but no capitalisation on my part IE I don’t go to gigs I don’t know artists, I’m not living in the hip part of town or renting a studio, although I dream about some of that. Again, it’s not actually happening it’s just a romance of the mind.
Spaciousness around dating. I used to be desperate for a diverse dating scene since I am so much in a minority (polyamorous, bisexual) but actually I don’t really need that many partners, I can find them easily even in small places and when people are horny they don’t take much convincing. I feel satisfied with the amount and variety of sex I’ve had. I will have no regrets on my deathbed. A London-sized city is not necessary any more.
Social mobility/money. I came to London to seek my fortune, and kind of found it, but it was still not enough for conventional house-buying mechanisms and I’m pretty thoroughly disgusted with the financial system in general and many of the beliefs that support housing norms in particular. I also immediately hit existential crisis once I achieved the very lowest level of financial comfort, and pursuing more money does not feel like the path. In fact it was in the midst of the dreadful boredom promised by perpetual London office life for the rest of eternity that catapulted me into a spiritual path in the first place.
Working with my aversion to cold. This had impacts as wide as being able to enjoy nature and level of bathroom facilities I can handle. Also lots of physical contraction. Much of my childhood was wrapped up in having no money to escape the bone-chilling wet cold of the UK, but there is much spaciousness around the fact I now know how to buy a decent coat, eat well for the cold, survive in a tent, can go home anytime to my warm house etc.
These things were the noticeable ones when they dropped, and created much more space for my life options (I’ve since moved away from London, for example).
But the real quest is ongoing. I should be able to drop almost everything self-flavoured soon.
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