This year, as has been the case for the last 2-3 years or more, subjectively felt like it was many, many years long. I can thank meditation (and insights) for that. I really must update my “how to slow time down” blog post from years ago to include all the recent stuff I’ve learned. Dropping the illusion of past and future really helps, lol. As does undistracted presence.
Anyway, let’s do some quick summaries.
Travel / Work / Life ??? They’re all one now
I travelled internationally 8 times this year. Four times to Portugal (!!), three times to the US and once to Germany.
I found the future JessCamp land owners in the Porto area early this year, visited the land itself in March, and then held JessCamp there in August. It was awesome. I saw them yet again in November to plan for next year. I also tried to help my friend on another project, but progress was slow. I tried at least.
I helped my friend in Berlin, and saw the tpot crew there.
I helped organise and manage a meditation retreat in upstate New York, my first time being a retreat manager. Then went to VibeCamp via Philly. Then much later came back to New York for Vibetober.
Visited office hours New York and office hours Philly each time, plus VibeCamp, plus of course saw other tpot crew during all those visits.
When in and out of Portugal, including unexpectedly during the whole of November, I visited tpot crew there too.
I guess this is my life now (?!) Hard to believe I’m such a socialite for a self-proclaimed introvert, but here we are. If I reflect on what I wanted for myself in the past, this could very much be it.
I travelled nationally in the UK too. Once to Sheffield, once to Liverpool (with a trip to Wales) and several times down to Bournemouth of course. I worked a bunch of shifts in and around the Bournemouth event circuit, and hopefully will do that even more next year.
Happenings
I missed a flight, and by doing so probably (??) healed a friend’s head. The dreams about it were wild anyway. After that, my decision to get multi-trip travel insurance immediately paid off (I burned my finger in the US lol).
I helped my friend extract herself from a 10-year relationship that was bad for her. Patience always wins.
I made a (secret) sex tent, and everyone liked it. No OF COURSE I didn’t use it.
I received support from my community, and somehow that helped me finally turn a corner and I realised that the world is a fundamentally supportive place, rather than a fundamentally hostile place, and something inside me gave way, and life is easier now.
I admitted to myself this spring that wanting a house in Wales might simply be a desire to “escape” my problems. But later in the year, I still kept looking at them. I’m ok with getting a mortgage now (new, lol).
Wondering whether to become a journalist occupied a great deal of my time in the first half of the year. I applied for the fast track NCTJ course and everything. I delayed for the sake of running the meditation retreat in New York, and because of that I applied to the next intake of the course, which was mysteriously cancelled due to lack of interest. It was that, combined with a prayer for a sign as to how to support myself financially was answered with an event shift, that finally made me let go of the idea.
It still bothers me that I want to be doing more at the systems level, or societal level, to contribute, but clearly I can’t be trusted with how that’s going to unfold.
I helped a friend with a fundraiser. Funds were raised.
Bedbugs.
I need to do a whole separate post on my dreams. My diary has become a meditation insight and dream diary these days. There’s enough material to track patterns now. Amazing!
Home
I got a home. A lovely group house in East London. It took a while, but I made my room nice. It took a while, but I made some of the other rooms nice too. We’ve hosted several people from twitter already, including our first week when we had no furniture at all. Guest rooms rock. Living right next to a major transport hub rocks. Living walking distance from my two favourite places in London (Newspeak House and London Buddhist Center) also rocks. Having bonfires in the garden rocks.
Living with good people rocks. Yeah reviewing the ups and downs of the house (and my dreams when things were going poorly) is a stark pattern when examined all at once. I’m glad we came together to talk about issues, and I’m looking forward to our new housemate moving in next year.
Habits
I never say I’ve “given up” something because that can make it harder psychologically, but I’ve become mindful enough of the weed habit to turn it back into an indulgence rather than a habit. I had to re-learn how to fall asleep (again).
Same with the video game habit. Maybe I don’t need them as much. I’m in a better place this winter than last winter. More friends, more reason to go outside.
I’m exploring my relationship with dopamine. This touches a great deal of life. From fulfilling conversation to hugs to meditation to restless leg syndrome. I’ve been off weed long enough to realise that there are positive things it gave me that I didn’t even realise – and that those needs need attention too.
Let’s see what the long month of January brings.
Love
I broke up with my longest-term-partner-ever in February. The move was to reflect the reality I felt the relationship had settled into, but also to try to attract the monogamous boys. He supported me in that, haha. It didn’t work. Polyamory is not in fashion any more. Even single, I am Not the Wife They’re Looking For. That’s ok.
I’ve felt single since very early in 2024 and been actually single since very early 2025. I had sex just twice in 2024, and the same for 2025. Exactly the same circumstances too. Once with my ex in the cold pre-spring of both years. And once with a random festival fling in the late summer. I must say this year’s fling was better than last year’s one. 2025 is an improvement over 2024. I feel more ok with only having sex once or twice a year than I did a decade ago. There’s just a lot less of an urge to have an opinion on everything I suppose.
I am single and that’s ok. And I love. I love some people so much, and everything becomes ok for me when I sense that my love is allowed. Sometimes, they love me back. It’s not inside of a romantic relationship, but those have never felt so fake to be honest. Love is love. I feel it a lot, and that’s what matters.
I also feel it in my dreams. Every now and then there is a love so big in my dreams it’s almost overwhelming. I cry in my sleep. My long lost soul mate coming to visit I guess.
And then there’s the spiritual love. This summer I had cause to reflect that maybe there’s something deeper down there that I have been cultivating access to. I’ve come to realise that for me it started with polyamory, and almost no-one does poly the way I do. After expressing this my Buddhist friends tell me that out of the realisation of Emptiness comes Love. I wonder if I’ve been doing it the other way around.
Learn
I have a great deal still to learn. I’m still so Unwise in relationships, so often. And other times I just realise that we like who we like and that’s ok.
I have to re-member, re-consecrate, re-realise all the meditation insights. There’s more layers to (dissolve?) but there’s also all the current “progress” to turn into a habit. Every day on the cushion is a remembrance.
At least though, I can change. I’ve got more access to different outcomes than ever before, seems like.
Insights
A loop closed recently between one of my earliest insights (the mind is a few seconds “behind” – I noticed that sounds were held in working memory and *then* “””I””” noticed them) with one of my latest (if I move into noticing sound, and in so doing step out of mind, the few seconds delay is completely gone!) In its own way, this is (first) awakening.
(Every time) This is only the beginning.
Anniversaries
I mentally marked the 5 year anniversary of meeting Hanjo this year, which started my spiritual path. Also in October it was the 13 year anniversary of “really” joining Twitter. This March was the third anniversary of coming back to London, and finally attending Newspeak House. Somehow being 41 has felt very significant too. In a couple of weeks it will be the 6 year anniversary of Sensemaker Workshop, meeting Rival, and my career as a twitter-based event organiser. Honestly, it feels like far longer.
Change is coming. New things are on the horizon. Hold course. Find the middle way. See you next year,
Jess
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