“Is it the end of 2021 then? I thought, sitting down to write these reflections. 2020 Part Two seems to have passed quickly in some ways and has also contained so many worlds in other ways.
I’ve managed to have a delightful, surprising and activity-packed December which has crowned the year in the most beautiful way, including peeing in the wide open middle of Hampstead Heath, listening to carols, carrying a Christmas tree and having some very good sex. I almost don’t want to jinx it by talking about it too much.
Housing
On 2nd January this year I moved in to a room in a hostel, by myself, to figure out what all this “spiritual shit” might mean for me that kicked off a couple of months earlier in the previous year. It meant the collapse of my household that had made all that effort to get over to Portugal in the first place, but I felt I just had to have some time on my own. As it was, lockdown was in full swing and even got more severe before it was finally released a little bit on 1st April, and a little bit more in May. There wasn’t really all that much better to do than stay in my room and meditate, which was wonderful because that’s exactly what I wanted.
I treated it like a self-guided retreat, and it was also pleasing to know exactly what to do in order to befriend the inmates of the hostel and get comfortable with being in a shared kitchen with strangers. Life experience is now a soft pillow of comfort in what would previously have been difficult cirucmstances, but which are now much more known quantities, allowing for relaxation. I also dealt pretty well with the crippling cold in the unheated building, still seeing the friends that really mattered, and avoiding the ones that were bad news.
For three months I meditated, got high, and danced all the way through to the end of April, with a brief stint in a new hostel when my flights out of the country were repeatedly cancelled in the spring.
Then in summer, I came back to Portugal looking for my own place, and by way of a wonderful month in Barrio Alto with new queer Brazilian friends, I found one. It’s cosy and cheap and full of art and plants, thanks to my housemate and a little ingenuity from me. In the late autumn I was feeling a little stuck, and dreaming of a future where I also have a flat in England, and perhaps have access to all my old belongings and tools. That idea hasn’t come off yet, but I think I’m ready for a more accumulated life again.
I’ve also gone back and forth on whether to buy a house, and for now I’m back to “no”, partly due to separating out some bundled concerns re: long term savings, a home, divided loyalties over what country to live in, etc.
Relationships
Romantic
In spring, gaining a partner irl sort of put paid to my intense partner online, and the two did not overlap for long.
How to talk about an intense spiritual-sexual relationship ending? It was very good, will have more impact on my life than I can ever fathom, I suspect, but it was also the right thing to end it, before it became a burden rather than a joy.
The irl relationship was good, a time for me to practice metta and unconditional acceptance of being with someone as they are. Also he was black, a first for me, it was awesome, especially when he made jokes about being hard to see in the dark etc. The whole thing was was wonderful and the sex was good too. He ended it after a few months, I was quite crestfallen at the time, as I didn’t fully understand his reasons, but people have to be people and make their own choices.
In the second half of the year, I spent much time with my friend and housemate. Earnest, honest, amazing time, but also somehow hard, confusing and anxious time, with lots of unexpected waiting around for him. I don’t know what the future holds there, but detangling from him has been consistently rewarded in the past weeks, and I think that that may have to continue.
Then I had my magical December. I met someone who seemed to be offering intimacy, emotional bravery and physical pleasure as the most obvious way to go about life, and so what could I do but meet that with surprise and joy? Haha yes he is wonderful and I told him so and now we’re dating. Our Christmastime together was a like a segment from Love, Actually and also involved the entire plot of Robyn’s song “Call Your Girlfriend”. I don’t know where this will go in the future, especially because of distance and polyamory, but for right now it’s wonderful and I’m so grateful.
And all the way through this, my old faithful relationship of 7 years now. I offered to break up in the summer, since there was so much distance between us and not much contact, but he wouldn’t let me! And I’m glad. On my trips back to UK particularly he’s been a warm and cosy presence, and a host for all three of my Covid Vaccine jab recovery days.
Friends
As mentioned in housing I moved out from my former group house, and have not maintained ties with everyone from that. One person in particular seemed to really run off the rails regarding me for no discernable reason. It’s still tense. Others merely drifted, as happens, and I’m still close with one or two, which is nice. I’m starting to miss group living, but can’t imagine how to start all that up again without becoming the knackered petty dictator that I was before.
I made a few friends in the hostel, they were very nourishing during lockdown, but without that hostel context, they didn’t really last. No, my lasting friendships irl in Lisbon are those from Twitter, much love to those two. Plus a friend from far in the past, back in uni days, who I have really enjoyed catching up with, especially over spiritual stuff. What a joy!
Also, I met or hosted a whole bunch more people from Twitter and it was uniformly fabulous. They were: Bird, Matt, Mi’sen Lulie, Snav, Silvia, Tasshin. Who am I forgetting? There are a few who didn’t stay at my house that I’m sure I’m forgetting. Well, it was great to meet irl, and I’m organising a meetup in Feb where I’ll see most of them again, I’m looking forward to that.
Work
I have done no paid work in 2021. For the first part of the year I was posting pictures of my feet, which lead to basically zero actual income. My Theories ebook, a compilation of everything you can find on Theory Engine netted me about £70, and the paid version of my substack, where I typed up my childhood diaries and that I started in the autumn, also achieved about £30. All of these money-making schemes are on hold right now, while I figure out my still very anxious relationship towards money.
The biggest “work” achievement this year was writing a sort-of novel based on my diaries of 2008-2010 encompassing my journey towards becoming bi and polyamorous, and ending my long term-relationship of the time. I received professional feedback on the 43k first draft just before Christmas. Once again I’m not sure if I should be pursuing a financial aspect, ie of getting the book published. If I do, it will need to be significantly changed again, even though it has grown and morphed a lot over the months already.
Anyway, writing it was intense and instructive. I had to explore and exorcise every aspect of that time in my life, and by having to write the other characters, I had to reflect on the people from that time, and understand them. This lead to a bunch of insights, both excruciating for me and in defence of me. I hope I also more fully understand the people in my life back then, even though they are mostly lost to me now.
It occupied my time while flights back home were cancelled and while it was particularly rainy in Lisbon. It was and is my friend. I think I’m glad I wrote it, although from the perspective of December 2021 I wonder if I was once again “forcing” the activity rather than actually wanting to do it. Oh well. It was the one thing I could talk about that was legible when people asked me what I’d been doing in Portugal all year.
Lastly, I met someone who told me all about the field of Developer Relations; a field previously unknown to me, but a good match for my tech and volunteer experience. I applied to a (full time! Permanent!) job at the end of 2021 in that area and I hope they actually get back to me soon. If I do get it, I’ll have a lot of disposable income which I can’t wait to make use of.
In between times I tried to get some dev contracts and that didn’t work. I suppose my heart wasn’t in it, or the unverse made sure every opportunity I applied for went mysteriously silent for some as yet unknown reason.
Spiritual shit
Phew, well what the fuck can I say, really? At this point, at the end of the year, it’s clear that metta meditation is something that I love and has opened me up profoundly, and brought me a happier, more connected and more spiritual life. Thanks to my reading I actually practice all of the Brahama Viharas, of which metta (lovingkindness) is only the first (the others are compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity) plus forgiveness, gratitude and humility.
This line of spirituality has brought me back to loving Jesus, to following the morals of Buddha, to praying before sleep, to wishing blessings on every person I see, to forgiving and appreciating people, most especially my family, to loving myself, to not looking away from pain or suffering, indeed to be much less drawn to distraction at all. I’m starting to feel for realsies that “love is our True nature” might actually be true, and has always been true, at least for me. How incredible.
A close second in terms of impact is my weed-facilitated energy body exploration. “Energy”/”Chakras” has given me a frame to be interested in and peacefully excited about all that I can sense in my body. It’s a beautiful antidote to the anxious paranoia I used to have about the sensations in my body, which I developed a few years ago in the ihop, while I was in the grip of crippling panic attacks that went hand in hand with intense digestive upset. I had come to ignore my body and distract myself, in order to not trigger another attack. It’s truly a gift to be able to now lovingly explore every tiny bodily sensation I have. In terms of progress, I can feel my blood circulating, can make my leg muscles spontaneously twitch, can release a full heart and fill up an empty heart. There are deeper vibrations that I still don’t know what they are.
I think evening weed and night-time dreams have set up a very productive process, though its workings are a little opaque to my waking mind. I frequently wake up feeling accomplished, thrumming with energy, like I’ve achieved something. Well done sleeping Jess!
Both loving kindness and energy work have necessarily lead to insights that are physical or emotional rather than spiritual and I’ve been very mindful of working on these things as they come up, as being part of my practice. I strongly believe in an interleaved style of personal development with this stuff, meaning that diverting into massage, dance or therapy as a result of spiritual insight is necessary and important. In this way the spiritual label is kind of merely a container to describe a transformation process that is happening to me along several axes.
I’ve been especially inspired by Rosa Lewis’s thoughts along these lines, especially that awakening can and must be something not only our minds do, but also our bodies, hearts and souls. Thanks to this I try to put meditation methods into practice when I’m doing daily life, and especially around people, and I don’t worry too much about how much time I have on or off the cushion.
Speaking of enlightenment, is that something I’m going for? Not particularly, but there have been moments where it may have been upon me, and I said yes to it. However it wasn’t it, to my knowledge. I am still commited to it happening in my bed, instead of in a freezing cave on the brink of death! For now I’m content to be removing blocks to acceptance, freeing up energy and experiencing being alive more profoundly, which is quite a lot to be getting on with already. I’ve also had the privilege of speaking with more enlightened people this year, both before and after their enlightenment, which has been a blast, let me tell you.
As for other spiritual methods, I have also tried: insight meditation, compassionate sex, excavation of my past, taking my friend’s advice, random Carlos Castaneda shit and shadow work. All of these have been painful, and now in the context of finally feeling a subtle but strong good feeling, when I’m doing what I want, I think this shows me that if they continue to be painful, I don’t really have to go back to them, unless it becomes the right moment.
What I really want to say
I’m bisexual for Lisbon and London. I can’t choose between them and I love them and I want to live in both of them and I think that’s a-ok. I need to stop “stopping” myself from being fully in each one, in case I return to the other for good, because actually I don’t have to choose! And perhaps I will be in both for good!
I have felt like I’ve been waiting a lot this year. Waiting for housemate to come home. Waiting for job interview results. Waiting for novel feedback. Waiting for the weekend to pass. Waiting for contracts to be exchanged. Waiting for people to finally realise things I realised months before. Waiting for the painfully slow postal service. Waiting for lockdown to be over. Waiting to find out what I want.
Equally, what I’ve been doing all day this year feels vague and opaque to me, even though it has felt important and I’ve (finally) been seeing good results.
I’m nowhere near as stuck as I was in 2019 and 2020. Well, I still feel motionless on the job front and the “general activity to fill my days” front but in the last month feel like I’ve finally got an inkling of how to feel what I really want in the moment, even if I’ve yet to stand nearby to opportunities that might seem like life activities in order to smell them out. Well, actually I am having to reluctantly accept that other people seem to really value my skill of organising events. They do seem to like it, that’s for sure.
I’ve been to the beach 7 times, on 6 different beaches, eaten a lot of pão de deus with coffee, had a bonfire, slept with three people, dated two of them, seen my nephew and my goddaughter, hugged many trees, visited almost every park and miradouro in Lisbon, met twitter peeps, made friends, lost friends, joined a guild.
I visited the UK three times and had three Covid vaccines. I’ve felt so grateful for the friends in the UK that remain close to me, in the scattered wreckage of the Covid Alignment problem. The first quarantine with family stretched me to my limit, but my subsequent relationships with my family seem to be going well.
I’ve meditated for perhaps 100 hours, and contemplated for quite a lot more. I feel different, and people who know me confirm I’ve changed. It’s been a very difficult year, but at the same time I feel more heartful and able to connect than ever before.
I’ve confronted a lot of old hurts in 2021. Let’s see what can get healed, and what joy can get activated, in 2022.
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